Even in Colorado, You Won’t Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

You've been on the internet before, so you already know the score: the single most important thing that happens online is preparation for the zombie apocalypse. That and trolling are the only things you'll find on the internet.

The web is full of survival guides, tips, tricks, and general advice on how to best survive a real-life Dawn of the Dead situation. It's so prevalent, that you might even consider zombie preparation its own cottage industry. Unfortunately, for all the information surrounding zombie survival, everyone who writes on the subject always forgets one very important detail: you will not survive.

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Now, you may be saying, "He's not talking about me. I know all the tricks of the trade!" No, I am talking precisely to you: there is very little chance that, were the wholly unrealistic idea of the dead walking the earth on a large scale to actually come to pass, you would live through the experience.

How do I know this? Well, I've been outside before. Some of our fellow citizens have a wholly unearned, and quite frankly inaccurate view of their own skill and talent when under pressure, and some of the least talented among them are the most prepared for surviving a fictional disaster. Think about it: who are the people who think the most about the pointless aspects of sci-fi and fantasy? Ving Rhames, they are not.

The other glaring flaw in the logic that anyone would survive a zombie apocalypse would be that it wouldn't even go down like that, anyway. There would be no apocalypse to survive. If you sincerely think that every world government would collapse immediately upon the rise of the living dead, you have obviously never heard of World Wars I and II. If fully able, capable, and cognizant human beings actively attacking each other on a global scale didn't destroy the general function of every government ever, a glorified roach infestation wouldn't suddenly finish the job.

If you somehow still think you can survive the zombies, check out the gallery below for some of the best hiding spots in our neck of the woods. Good luck.