How to Keep a Colorado Dummy in Suspense

Dummies: they are all around us. We've all encountered our fair share of those who weren't particularly blessed in the brain department, I'm sure. No matter how hard we try, though, they seem to keep coming out with new ones every year. You can usually see them taking up space on the interstate while they merge without signaling.

Since there are so many dummies about, we might as well have a little fun at their expense. I mean, what else are we going to do with them, anyway? Today, I'm going to give you a step-by-step guide on how to keep the less intelligent on the edge of their seats. But, first...

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A little backstory: I first discovered my lack of patience for the sarcastically stupid back when I was about 13 years old. I know that sounds like I'm tooting my own horn, and I'll gladly be the first to admit that I was quite stupid when I was young, as we all are, but I also had little patience and a sour disposition, not unlike the character Daria of MTV fame. I was also quite observant, and when you add that all up in a young person, they tend to pick up quickly on the most annoying things we all do, without also developing the necessary tolerance to deal with them healthily.

Thus, I grew up spending a lot of my time watching and rolling my eyes at the dumbest people that I see on the street. Too much, if I'm honest, but the way I saw it, somebody had to keep track of these people, so why not me? And Buzzfeed. And Cracked. And Yahoo. Look, there's a lot of us about, what do you want me to say?

Anyway, now that you have the full backstory, it's time for your lesson. How do you keep a dummy in suspense? I'll tell you, later. In the meantime, ask me about my dad jokes.