How to Survive a Tumbleweed Attack in Colorado
I'm sure you've seen a tumbleweed or two, out here on the Western Slope. I know there have been more than a few of them stuck to my car, for several miles, and on multiple occasions, so clearly I have. They are the scourge of the west, and their attacks can come in an instant, without warning or mercy.
This is precisely what happened over the weekend in Colorado Springs; according to FOX21 News, a veritable army of tumblers was so numerous, residents couldn't even leave their homes for fear of prickly retaliation. So, what should you do when under threat from the tumbleweed menace? Here are some tips to get you started.
How to Survive
First of all: it may be a good idea to make sure your affairs are in order. You don't want to get caught up with the t-weeds without coverage for the family you might leave behind, so be proactive.
The next thing you'll need is appropriate protection. Though it may be difficult to track one down, invest in a beekeeper or hazmat suit to keep the prickly fiends at bay. A good-sized rake ought to be enough to quell the threat, though you may feel more comfortable with a machete, or something equally-sharp.
Finally, you'll need to remember that adequate shelter, in this scenario, can be a blessing and a curse. As is what happened to the poor folks of Colorado Springs, sometimes the tumbleweed terrorists can group together and form an impenetrable barrier around your home, barring your exit. If this happens, be sure to have kept your 'clearing' equipment indoors, so you can go on the offensive immediately.
The biggest thing to remember when under tumbleweed assault is to never let them sense your fear. Be brave, and stand up to these monsters as if they were as harmless as a houseplant. Though they aren't, to be clear; tumbleweeds are the Devil's cotton candy, and should be destroyed on sight.